Day 44: Conceived a new band name

I was thinking up new band names and this is what I came up with:

Vulgrant

It's a combination of 'vulgar' and 'vagrant' or 'vulgar' and 'tyrant'.

I'm pretty sure no one else has ever come up with it, or at least used it, because it doesn't show up on google. All I see is a bunch of 'Virginia University of Lynchburg Grant' pages.

I don't play any instruments or anything, and I'm not as good of a singer as I think I am, so I don't have much use for it.

It would be perfect for a deathcore band or a black metal band or a grindcore band. If you want to use it that's fine. If you use it and your band never does much I'll just settle for a 'Thanks' in your liner notes, but if you use it and your band becomes like 'Cannibal Corpse' or something then I would just appreciate it if you gave me like $100,000 (depending on how rich you become, you could just give me like $10,000 if you only become moderately rich, like 'Kataklysm' or even like a couple hunskies if you just barely make some money, like 'As Blood Runs Black'.

Or you could even just name a song 'Vulgrant.' If you were a poor band and you did that I would just settle for a mention in your liner notes, and a few giftcards, like $25 gift card to Target and maybe a $25 gift card to Chick-fil-A should do it. Maybe just throw in a $50 gas card if you get your economic stimulus check and you name a song Vulgrant.

Day 43: Finished off a roll of tooth floss

Hey if my dentist is out there reading, hey look, I actually am flossing, hey, no. Hey, and sorry about that last check bouncing, no, hey, a new one is in the mail no, hey, but I hope you're Lew Alcindor cause this one is going to be bouncing like a basketball too, hey, hey no.

Now I can move onto the floss I got as a stocking stuffer for Christmas.

Day 42: Updated the software on my phone

The keyguard used to be 'OK 'OK'. You didn't have to pause or anything in between, so it went off about five times a day in my pocket, and sometimes at about 3 a.m., which was usually awkward. Now the keyguard is 'OK' 'OK' 'CLR' so it should only go off about three times a day.

The phone was supposed to be capable of updating its software over the network, but they never enabled the feature, so I had to go into the Verizon store. The guy said it would take about 15 minutes, but it took over 30 minutes and I didn't have a magazine or anything so I had to sit there like some dope waiting.

All these people were coming in like 'how do I get ringback mp3 tones to play through my BlueTooths technologies earpiece?'

Day 41: Posted an item on eBay!!!

I was going to go to a pancake supper, but it fell through.

So I posted THIS.

I'm becoming a real eEntrepeneur. Too bad no hits on my craigslisting yet :o(

WHY WON'T YOU DAMN PEOPLE BID WITH CONFIDENCE!!!???

Day 40: Posted an item to Craigslist

My parents are trying to get rid of this old TV cabinet and they said if I sold it on Craigslist I could keep the $$$. CHA-CHING!!!

I hope there is a bidding war.

NOW, GO AND BID WITH CONFIDENCE!!!

Day 39: Worked in a booth

My job pays $20 an hour to sit in some booth at a festival. It's some good money on the side to just sit there like a dumb trained baboon.

We have little notepads and crap for people to take, and everyone approaches all suspicious looking and you go 'Hi how's it going?' and they're like 'Fine thanks.' all curt, like 'what are you going to try to sell me?' and I'm thinking 'I'm not trying to sell anything I'm just trying to stand here for three hours and then leave.' and then all sheepish they're like 'can I take one of these?' or 'are these for free?' and I'm like 'oh of course!' and they take it all giddy and walk away. They probably throw it away when they leave and realize how worthless it is. You'll be trying to have some office gossip about who's going to get laid off next and then some old lady will walk up and interrupt you.

I found myself saying 'there ya go...' about a hundred times, cause people would go 'oh I can use this notepad for my desk at work' or 'oh my granddaughter will love this' and I would say 'there ya go.' I was sure happy when I got to leave. It was hard acting phony for that long.

Day 38: Supped upon a Taco Bell Platter

I got the Spicy Chicken Enchiladas platter. I had to work all day and at like 1 a.m. I was tired and starving and I really just wanted to shove some food down my throat so I could start drinking whiskey. I wanted something that was hearty and good and still open, so I went to Taco Bell and I saw these platters, and I was like 'Now I can have a classy fiesta.'

This 'FourthMeal' came with nankins, a plastic knife, a spork (individually wrapped), and packets of hot sauce, and it came in a lovely display case.
There was a thing of very chunky salsa, it had like whole stewed tomatoes in it, and what seemed like six chips. It seemed like there was no way there would be enough chips, but each one dug up a ton of stewed tomatoes, and some of the chips slid under the enchilada case, so it was plenty of chips. The rice was regular old rice, what the hell am I gonna say. I sprayed some hot sauce on there. These refried beans with cheese melted all over them was a nice touch. I ate it all up and used the chip crumbs to sop up the rest. The enchiladas were pretty good, I liked how they put sour cream on there. I tried cutting them with the spork but it didn't cut through the chicken very good. I should have used the knife, but in my fervor I never even unwrapped it. All in all I would rate this platter 7 out of 10. The next image should reveal how satisfied I was with it.In the interest of full disclosure I shall reveal that I also ordered a 99 cent double beef burrito and ate it on the car ride home, and my large drink with the value meal was a sweet tea.

Day 37: Witnessed a medieval joust

How craven the two medieval jousters were...

Day 36: Listened to Operator by Jim Croce

It was sad his lady left him and he couldn't see the number because his eyes were crying and his ex-best friend Ray (was it Ray Lewis?)



took his lady and he needed the operator to help him place the call. And he also died in a plane crash.

There's not something in his eyes, he's crying cause he's sad she left him. It's a lovely song.

This song is about an early form of drunk dialing.

Day 35: Contrived a new can crushing device

Non-crushed cans.

I guess its really not that new, it was just a big green board that I found in the basement and laid across a bunch of empty cans.
Big green board. Heavy. Patent pending.

Then I jumped off the back stoop onto it. I guess its a simple machine, and I guess it would be a lever, because I jumped on it and then it became a lever between my feet and the cans, and it transferred all my weight to the cans so its a lever. It worked fair, but not perfect I would say.

Mixed results.

The cans were not crushed totally flat, like when I stamp them with my foot individually, but it did crush them sufficiently, more than halfway, and much more efficiently than one at a time. But I guess as they say, if you're going to do a half-assed job, you might as well not even bother.

If any of you brainiacs out there have a better way to use this device to smash the cans better, please let me know. Like spreading them out more? I'll try that next time. Or maybe I could have a friend link arms with me and jump at the same time. Maybe I could find a heavy, but beautiful, lady friend to link arms with me and jump onto that board, otherwise I would look a bit silly linking arms and jumping on to the board with some other bloke, wouldn't I? Or maybe I could violently extend my legs as I hit the board to increase the force. Although then people might think I've gone mad.

Day 34: Fixed a Mamma Celeste Meatball Pizza for One

I had to work until 2 a.m., and I hadn't eaten for like 11 hours, and when I did it was a peanut butter sandwich (no toppings, just peanut butter (OK I added some Smart Balance) hopefully it wasn't that Samanella kind, and it was on a wheat tortilla, not even wholesome Wonder Bread) and a couple of stale Gran crackers. I did eat three Three Musketeers Mint Bites but seriously they're so small. And that was IT.

When I got home I was famished. I ate some quick mixed veggies while I threw the pizza in the oven at 400'. (TIP: throw it in directly on the oven rack, but put some foil or something on the rack beneath to prevent messes.) DO NOT MICROWAVE IT. Unless you want it to taste like sh!t.

I sprayed some bleu cheese dressing, some mustard, and some Texas Pete on there, and it was GOOD. It was so good that now, hours later, when I think about it, I say 'Oh my GOD' out loud. It's probably just cause I was so hungry. I think tomorrow I'll use a Q-pon for a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich.

Day 33: Threw away socks

Give me a break, it was a slow Monday. I needed to make room in my underwear drawer for all my holey underwear with big splits down the seat. When I save up money for new underwear, they're gone too.
That reminds me of a joke:

'Simple Simon: Hey, these underwear with holes in them are my church underwear.'
Pieman: 'Why would you wear those underwear to church? They're full of holes.'
Simple Simon: 'Exactly, they're Holy Underwear!'
Pieman: 'Good grief!!!'

These socks were worthless. Some had the elastic all stretched out so they drooped down my leg, some were stained with blood, some had holes in the heel so my heel stuck to the bottom of my shoe. None of them had holes in the toe, cause as soon as that happens they're gone, they don't even make it back to the drawer. (I do launder them before I throw them away, because if I was a trash man I wouldn't want to have to mess with someone's nasty, stank ass socks.)

I can't stand when a sock has a hole in the toe, because the feeling of my toe sticking through the hole and touching the inside of my shoe makes me SQUIRM. Literally SQUIRM.

I looked at those socks and I said, 'Bad news: you missed the cut, adios, sayanora, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.'

Now there's more room in my drawer, and I simplified my life.



The socks above look yellow for some reason. They were dingy, but not that bad. Look at the damn holes in the heels, and how the middle of the ankle is wider than the hole (what do you call the opening in a sock?). If I wore these I'd look like some idiot.

You can see the problem with these, look how damn dumb and stretched out they are. Those things would be drooping around my ankles in NO time. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I could have donated them to the Salvation Army to be a stocking for a needy family, but I wouldn't wish these pathetic stockings on even the neediest family.

Day 32: Played Ultra Mint frisbee

Otherwise known as Ultimate Frisbee, or Ultimate Disc or simply Ultimate. They have words like 'pull' is when you throw it to start off, and a 'bid' is an attempted catch. I enjoy it, but I don't see what's so ultimate about it. If there was a sport called ultimate, it would have to be this:



I played at Wyman Park near Hopkins. I hadn't played in over a year because I jammed my back real bad one day while playing and then it got too cold, then it was softball season which was also on Sunday, then it got too cold again. I'm really out of shape from hibernating all winter, so there was a lot of hands on knees action, but it feels good to start getting out again now that its getting warmer. Can't wait to watch them Os!

Day 31: Requested the song 'All I Need is a Miracle' at a Rock and Bowl event

The DJ didn't seem very impressed at all. I understand that DJs must get pissed off by requests, but this guy was playing the same old shit. It was like he was playing music for a high school prom, or even like a church mixer for catholic adolescents. I was like 'Do you have anything by Mike and the Mechanics?' and he was like 'I think so.' and I was like 'Do you have 'All I Need is a Miracle'? and he was like 'I don't know I'd have to look' and I was like 'can I request it?' and he was like 'I'll see what I can do.' but he may as well have said no. And he never played it, he just played Nah-nah-nah-nah-hey-hey-hey-goodbye when it was time to leave.
It was an eccllentric crowd too wearning skinny jeans and retro mesh hats, I think they would have appreciated it more than that yayyeah-yayyeah song he played.

Now in his face, here it is. And its not even the Mike and Mechanics version. It's the Kids Incorporated cover, which includes rhythmic audience participation clapping.



And the real one:

Mike + the Mechanics - New Music - More Music Videos

It was at Hillendale Bowl in Towson and my high game was a 117 (duckpins).

Day 30: Chucked Cool World for SNES at a plastic bag in a tree AND ate Braunschweiger

For the 30th day, I've got a double dip. 30 days was an original goal in the introduction.

First, there's this plastic grocery bag out in the alley that blew up into this tree, way high, like 75 yards up the tree. In the wind it flippity-flaps all around and is an irritant to me and all the neighbors. Finally I was like "I've had enough of that racket" so I grabbed the cheapest, worst SNES game I could find.
Right after I threw it I was like 'Shit, what if its one of those super rare games and it's worth $10011. I could use ten-thousand-and-eleven dollars.' Luckily it's not.

I missed the plastic bag, but the game shattered in the alley. This is all I could find.
Cool World was one of the dumbest games. You like jump and try to earn tokens and cats chase you down and then its game over in like 30 seconds. I don't miss it. You like press 'A' and he dashes and then some car hits you and you have to buy a typewriter. I'd even rather play that 3-D cat game for the Atari Jaguar.

I also ate a Braunschweiger.
This is what it looked like when I was done.(Hint: it's all gone.)

A tribute, since it's gone now.

Day 29: Listened to Dead Milkmen album Beelzebubba

In its entirety. I've had it in my car for awhile but I hadn't listened to it in awhile.
I like to listen to the lyrics.

I'd like to see them in concert.

I also wrote this review of their movie.

Day 28: Visited Old Mill Senior High School

Famous alumni include Kirk McEwan and Lester Speight, who portrays Terry Tate: Office Linebacker and Rasta the Voodoo Man.

I saw a wrestling match there. It's hard as hell to find the gym.

Day 27: Found a football in the woods

I was trudging through a muddy field (that could have been my different thing of the day, but I thought this was more rare) when I saw this fairly nice football sitting amongst some brush. It's clearly a junior league football. Some kids were probably rough housing and horsing around and booted it too far into the woods. Do I feel bad about taking some kids football? Maybe a little. But, the football was back far enough that it was not in plain sight, and foul weather was on the way. If I had left the football, I'm fairly certain it would have become damaged by the foul weather, reducing its usefulness. I will give the football a good home, but if you can identify this football, send me an email and I will happily return it.

Day 26: Fixed macaroni and cheese with hock dogs cut up in it

Today was Macaroni and Cheese Monday. I fixed it for supper for one. I only used one hock dog, cut up into eight pieces, to make it healthy. I also used Smart Balance Light made with Extra Virgin Olive Oil instead of butter to make it even more healthy. One smart tip I have for you is to dump all the ingredients (once you're done cooking the pasta and hock dog) into one of those RubberWare TupperMaids with the locking lid, and then just shake the hell out of it. Be careful though cause all the heat expands and the lid may pop off a couple times, so don't shake it really wildly until you've bled off some of the steam. Then you don't have to stir it and make a mess as all that powdery cheese spills over the side of the damn pot. Another tip I have for you is don't waste a whole measuring cup to measure out the milk. I've found that if you fill that foil lined pouch that the cheese came in about halfway, that's the right amount. In mine I also added salt, pepper and cayenne pepper ( I like it a little hot). Then on top I added just a squirt of ketchup and bleu cheese dressing (not shown) to jazz up the presentation. It was delish.

Day 25: Attended an all-you-can-eat Shrimp festival

It was at a Knights of Columbus Hall. It was also Bull and Oyster roast. I don't care much for seafood, so I didn't eat much of that. I had like one shrimp, a bowl of crab soup, and 0 oysters. I had oysters last year, and that was the last time I vomited. It may also have been from the drinking, cause I drank a ton of beer, or a combination, but I didn't want to tempt fate again.

I started with a cup of coffee, black, with one sugar, and a garden salad with french dressing, croutons and bacon bits, just to get things started.
Next I had a taco.
Then I believe I had the crab soup.
Next up was a pit beef sandwich.
Then I had a sloppy joe with some macaroni salad on the side.
Then I took a little hiatus from eating to do some gambling.
I started with $7 and was up and down on the Big Wheel and the Whiskey wheel, but eventually I was up $1 at 8. I tipped my busser and my bartender $1 each, and then dumped the last $6 into the 50/50 raffle, which I lost.
The break, and a half-hearted BM, made me a little hungry again, and I had a luncheon meat sandwich, a second taco (this time soft shell) and a piece of strawberry cake.
With that out of the way I focused only on drinking, and did a little dancing.
There were lots of fat patriots there. Some of them had those big flaps of flesh behind their elbows, and some of them had that big hump on the front of their waist where their groin should be, its like a front butt. I always wondered what it would look like beneath the Dockers, but I probably wouldn't really like to see it.
I overheard one funny conversation where fatso A said to fatso B, who was replenishing bowls of cheese, "What is this, ground beef?" when pointing to a large bowl of ground beef at the taco station. Fatso B goes "That's taco meat." Fatso A goes "Ahhh..." like now he understood...
As I was leaving I took one last whiz and a guy made a noise in one of the stalls that made me gasp.

Below is high definition video of people there doing the 'lectric slide.

Day 24: Hupped a fence

I hupped a fence. I tried to hurdle it, but it was all muddy and I slid into it. Then I merely hupped it.

P.S. (in the pictures it's not me, its photos I found on the web, but that's the same style I did it.)

Day 23: Went to parking ticket court.

I got there and the guy was like 'you have to take off your belt.' to go through the xray machine where you put all your change and Dentyne Ice and pocket knives. And I was like ' take off my belt? what do you want me to do a strip teeze? Bring out the sexy lady cop and maybe I'll do it...

But anywayz. So then this lady is like "Guilty with a exclamation." and the judge is like 'ma'am there is no officer presents.' and the woman is like "I'm guilty, but I had no intent, I have a exclamation.' and the judge is like 'ma'am I'll ask you again, what is your please?' and she's like 'I'm trying to tell you I'm guilty." and finally the crowd was like 'just say not guilty!' and she finally did.

And then everyone in the crowd was doing that snort-sinus noise where they're like snorting snot from their sinus into their throat! God! I hate that noise, only poor people make that noise...

When my turn came up the police officer wasn't there, which is good cause it was a $225 ticket. I parked in a handycaps zone. Before you think I was a jerk, the spot I parked in had a parking meter, I walked up and down the block looking for signs, no signs, but I got a ticket. Later I looked, there were signs like a mile away and they were covered with trees! Anyway, I got off scotch free, so it worked out.

Day 22: SAW GALLAGHER!!!

I told you it was going to be good. Gallagher told bawdy jokes about pee and poop, smashed up a bunch of food, and seemed eccentric. His hair was all gray and wispy and he still wore that black and white striped shirt from the 70s. He was silly. He asked "why do ladies wipe their pusies with toilet paper after they pee? It's not called pee paper." and he said he was constipated and men should be able to poop out of the bottom of their feet so then they could wipe their foot on the ground instead of wiping their bottom.

I actually got hit by some mashed potatoes and rice, although it was a fan who hit it and not Gallagher. I tasted it.

He also kept acting xenophobic about middle eastern people and yelling at people when they knocked over a beer bottle.

Day 21: Played the Last Stand 2

Playing a video game? I know, pretty lame. But I promise I've got GREAT ones coming tomorrow and Friday. To be honest, I was going to whip a bouncy ball against the road wicked hard, but I got cold feet when I saw all the cars parked around. It was really cold, and I realized how foolish I would seem when I tried to explain that I broke someone's windshield at 2:30 a.m. because I was slamming a bouncy ball against the street by myself for a blog that no one reads.

Anyway, this game is really sick, you get to murder a bunch of zombies and use a lot of cool weapons. The compound bow is underrated and take out the body-armored zombies with leg shots. For others aim for the head. Complaints are that there's not enough time to search every building in the game, you have to pick and choose.

I can't wait for Last Stand 3.

Day 20: Woke up at 7:30 a.m.

Well, this is a bit of a milestone: Day 20.


I know what you're thinking: woke up at 7:30, what kind of a special thing is that? Well I usually wake up after 11, so for me it was special (I had to be somewhere early for work for once.)
I went to bed at like 3, but because I was so stressed out about having to wake up early, I couldn't fall asleep, so I fell asleep at like 5:30, and when I did I had all these strange nightmirrors.

All day my eyes felt red, my skin felt dry, my body felt hollow and groggy, and if anyone came near me or tried to talk to me I wanted to lash out at them physically and strike them, but I instead acted all sarcastic and curt with them.
I always tell myself that I can fix my sleep pattern if I just wake up really early one morning and then I'll be really tired that night, and it will be fixed, but now here I am at 3 a.m. and I'll just sleep til like 1 p.m. tomorrow.

Day 19: Spotted a UFO

No, this web log didn't just "jump the shark." I actually spotted this weird object flying through the sky and I couldn't identify it. I'm not claiming that it was a flying saucer...

I noticed it at first because it looked like an airplane, except that it was shining this really cool flood light out of the front. It was pretty cloudy so I could see this crazy floodlight reflecting off all these ominous dark clouds. I was like "it's so cool!" Then I thought about trying to photograph it for this Web log with my digital cam, but by the time I looked back up it was gone. I'm not even sh!tting you. I was really mystified myself. I was like "no way..." I think I said that out loud even though I was by myself.

Now it's possible that the plane turned off that big flood light, or flew behind some clouds (!?), but I'm telling you it was STRANGE.

Day 18: Ordered 100 nuggets

I was hosting a The Big Game party, and you know, snacks can get pretty expensive. I didn't want to seem like a total cheapskate so I needed to provide SOME food, but I didn't want to break the bank. So on the dollar menu, you can get four nuggets for $1. That's a quarter a nugg. That's 100 nuggs for $25. That's cheap catering for a party when you could spend like $800 for some eight foot Hoahgie...

So I go into my local MickeyDillies, and it's not crowded, its like 3:45 p.m., so I'm like "oh good." I walk up there and I'm like, "Can I have 25 four piece nuggets?"



Here's why I did that instead of getting 10 ten pieces, or five 20 pieces: its cheaper. You save like $3 over the 20 piece system and like $5 over the 10 piece system. Anyway, the guy is like:

"Are you serious? Is this a joke?"
and I was like
"No, I want the nuggets."
and he was like
"Are you serious? Are you playin?"
and I was like
"I don't want any trubble. I only want nuggets."
and he was like
"Is this a joke?"
and I was like
"No look, here's the money."
and he was like
"Hah-HAH! You playin'?"
and I was like
"No I'm not playing, I'll be playing once I have all those nuggets, but I'm not playing a joke, if that's what you mean."
and he was like
"25 four piece nuggets? Are you for real?"
and I was like
"I'm a nugg-nut."
and he was like
"S'r'ous? Faah Real!?"
and I was like
"I'm a dollar menunaire."

And finally he believed me and for a few minutes it was awesome, because the entire staff of this McDonalds was putting together four piece nuggets, even the manager came up and was talking in her little walkie talkie and she was like "*Crackle*What? 25-four piece nuggs?*Crackle*Sparkle*Chatter*Over and out*" and they were all muttering things like "Damn...25 4-piece nuggets? That's like 100 nuggets..." and "Dang! I couldn't even eat 10 nuggets without being full..." and "Dang! Playin'?" and "F'a'areal son?"

In case anyone's wondering, it was EXACTLY 100 nuggets (I was hoping in all the confusion I'd get a few for free.) and also, they got eaten damn quick. SO they were a hit. Last time they went even quicker, so this time I waited until everyone had filled up on chips before I presented them on the serving table, and they were still gone in flash. I probably got about 6 to 8 of them and they were GOOD. I had to reheat them in the oven at like 250 for about ten-15 minutes.

Day 17: Sat in section 321 of Baltimore Arena

I sat in the top furtherest most cornerest seat. I just sat there. I looked behind me and there was a weird hallway, and I bet if you followed it you would find some weird corridors. When I was sitting there I imagined that the ghost of some old Baltimore Bullet might try to box me out and throw a few rainbows my way and I got scared and ran away. Here's how the view looked from my original seat which was lower down: