Day 100: Dialed 911

I was at a high school baseball game and some old lady got HOUSED in the forehead by a line drive foul ball. So I dialed the number and told them to send a damn amboolance.

Day 99: Had gas

Had gas

Day 98: Cleared all items on the DVR

There was a time when this DVR was nipping at 100 % with episodes of Lost, Tim and Eric, Tom Goes to the Mayor, Outer Limits (old and new), Simpsons, Cheap Seats, Urban Legends, Scare Tactics, and lots and lots of Americas Funniest Videos. If I neglected any of my favorite shows its not because I don't love you.

Now after many months of diligent work the DVR is empty, maybe for the first time since it first recorded a show. But only until 1 a.m. when it records another ep of Tim and Eric. It's OK though, cause I've already seen that one so I can delete it or watch it in only 15 minutes.

Day 97: Clipped a coupon

It's for $1.50 off two Emerald Nuts products 5 oz or larger. I don't like how coupons started becoming for multiple products, cause sometimes its like $1.00 off 8 packs of gum, but this one wasn't bad because it's basically like .75 off each jar of nuts.

I like Emerald nuts, not quite the brand recognition of Planters, but a quality nut that I like to munch in the wee hours of the morning as I sip a glass of fine Evan Williams whiskey.

I may also try some of those jalapeno nuts because I've gotten on a kick where everything I have has to be very spicy or hot.

Day 96: Received a photographic speeding violation by mail

For going 37 in a 25. Come on! 12 over? And $50. Gimme a break!

At least you can fight it, and there's no points. And I plan to fight it. I'm going to request a trial, and then change the date, just to really gum up the system that would allow this miscarriage of justice.

What if I was speeding up to avoid crashing into a baby carriage or something? Or what if there was a bomb in my car and it would explode if I went slower than 35? Or what if I spilled hot coffee on my good ones and I stood on the gas pedal?

What's next? Will they take a picture of me with a radar from outer space pouring motor oil down the laundry tub and send me a ticket? Or will they see me fondling myself and my thunderpants will catch on fire? Or will they use sekret wire taps in my cell phone and send me a fine every time I send a test message about taking muscle relaxers for fun? Or a seatbelt that strangles you every time you try to drive without using it?

The problem is that a human cop might see that it was a real nice day and there was little traffic and I was just driving the speed of traffic and my car is so new I didn't realize how powerful it was and I was running late and if I got in a crash I could just brace myself against the steering wheel. But that robot in the camera can not reason or have mercy. He only has one function.

Day 95: Buried yet another fish

It was one of the small danilos. Poor little guy. His belly was all swelled out and he was stuck in this fake plastic plant. I wonder if I fed them too much?

Maybe I'm just not cut out for fish keeping. I've only really managed to keep one original alive from when I started the aquarium about six months ago. The rest die after a week or two. Or maybe that one is biting all the other ones that I put in there.

Sometimes it seems like they die after a wild party in the basement, and maybe the noise and the stress is what's killing them.

Day 94: Played indian leg wrestling

Not indian mud wrestling.

Native American leg wrestling.



That's not me, it's two babes from YouTubes

Day 93: Beat NARC

with neighbor Keith.

The hardest part was at the end where that guy's big head attacked you. It had good grafix, it was the Arcade version emulated on Gamecube as party of the Midway Treasures package.

Day 92: Drank a 40 of Code 45

I like to drink it while I play poker. Some times people are like 'what do you think you're from the hood?' and I'm like, 'no, I just like it, I like the taste, I like the label, and I like the way it gets me drunk.' and then I'm like 'I just enjoy it for what it is, you're the one projecting racial stereotypes.'

(P.S. I'm white.)

Day 91: Filed my taxes

Thanks for the art Simpsons Gallery! http://www.duffzone.org/ An awesome site.

On the last day, the great American way. I made about five and a half hunskies. Not bad.

Since I didn't have much time I didn't bother with trying to trick the deductions by saying I had a home office and my car got broken into and I donated a bunch of ratty old shirts to Good Will and I volunteered by giving blood and all that sh!t. The standard deduction always ends up being more anyway. So I just took the standard, and I'm pretty pleased. I even tried doing the Earned Income Tax Credit, but I used some online calculator and they said you're too rich, and I was like, oh yeah, try telling my stomach that since it had five hot dogs in a row with A1 all over them as a steak dinner.

Day 90: Ate strangled eggs with ham cut up in it for supper

Not the actual meal I had, this image was stolen from this blog. They may have stolen it from someone else.

Breakfast for supper.

A good use of leftover Easter ham. (The koopa troopers backs in SMB always reminded me of ham.)

I wish I had green peppers and onions and cheddar cheese to add to it, then it would have been a Western ommellette.

Since I haven't been grocery shopping in awhile all I had for breakfast was a granola bar with chocolate chips. And all I had for lunch was about a dozen baby carrots and four strawed berry Newtons. I also had a couple cups of black coffee, a Diet Sierra Mist, and three or four DMD's (Diet Dews) in there.

So I was real hungry around dinner break. I went over to the rents to take care of some leftovers. Started with some leftover fries from Five Guys, then a hardboiled easter egg, then had a cranberry dinner roll with butter and cream of broccoli soup. Then a ham sandwich with mayo, mustard and melted string cheese. Had a few pretsels and pistachios. Then the final course was the strangled eggs with some more ham in it.

When I got home a few hours later I took a long dark poop that looked like a big tail.

Day 89: Sent away for a rebate!

I sent away for my Evan Williams rebate of $3.00. When I was perusing the liquor store shelves a couple weeks ago a flag on the neck of the Evan Williams bottle caught my eye: '$3.00 Rebate!'

I was already a fan of Evan Williams for it's value, potency, and smooth taste.

You had to send them the label, so I had to soak the bottle in warm water, and the label was still difficult to remove so it's all crinkled.

The stamp cost about 50 cents nowadays so the rebate is only about $2.50 but it will still be nice to get that check from Evan Williams in 18 to 24 weeks.

And I can check the progress at checkmyrebate.biz (a terrible, crappy, slow webbed site)

Wonderful. I think I'll enjoy some delicious Evan Williams now.

Day 88: Played a practicaled joke

It was at an Easter family gathering at my anties house. My dad was wearing khaucki pants with cuffs. So I started inconspicuously slipping pennies into his cuffs. I also attached an paper clamp to one cuff. I got three or four pennies in over the hour that I was there.

It was a very immature prank, but amusing nonetheless.

Apparently the change fell out later (must have tried to put his leg on his knee or something) and one of my aunts was dying laughing, so it was a successful skit.

Day 87: Drank milk beer

Now I'm not one of those beer snobs who's like, 'Miller Lite, oh, how could you drink that piss!' in fact, I'm far from it. In a pinch, I'll pour nail polish remover into a coke to get drunk.

But I was going to a dinner party -- not too classy, but not a couple of EVM's on paper plates either -- so I wanted to bring something. On the way there was a liquor shoppe. I could have bought a four pack of Natural Light 22-ozers, but again, I was trying to class it up.

So I ended up with this milk beer, a very classy $9.99 per six-pack. It was OK, but nothing to go nuts about.

Day 86: Peed in the ladies room

I have proof in the picture cause of the flowers. Before you think I'm some slob, the bar OWNER told me to pee in the ladies room.

I was waiting in line for the mans room and he walked past and was like 'go in the ladies room' and I was like 's'rously?' and he was like 'fa'real' and so what was I going to do?

It was still funny though cause when I was in their peeing I hear these girls like 'OH MY GOD THAT GUY JUST WENT IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM. SER'OUSLY FA'REAL THAT GUY JUST WENT IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM.'

I was real careful any way cause I lifted the seat and aimed dead center for the bowl and even though none splashed on the rim I STILL wiped it down with TP.

When I walked out those gossipy girls turned their backs, but I held my head high.

There's a long story about why he let me pee in the ladies room, where my brother couldn't hold his liquor and broke the glass in the men's room like a year ago, and we came back in and tried to apologize and pay him for it, and he was still mad, and we keep coming there, and now I think he feels bad about when he was still mad cause we've been good paying customers, and etc., and he also gave us free nachos. I made sure to tip them well, and I just wish my brother had never broken the glass, he always seems to end up in situations like that. But it's cool now.

The place is called Quigleys and you should patronize them cause it's a good place, with good people and good values and prices and food.

Day 85: Watched the episode of Outer Limits that inspired the Terminator series

The photo speaks for itself. It's SICK!!!

But actually I've always said that Outer Limits (old and new versions) should have been a 30 minute show and not 60 minutes, and this was a good example. They spent a lot of time with the guy Quardo or whatever sitting in a padded room saying futuristic phrases and attacking film reels that tried to teach him about love.

This wasn't exactly like Terminator: basically two futuristic soldiers were fighting and they were both hit by lasers at the same time, and went back into the past. One got stuck in time while the other, our hero, went back to like the 1960s. He got arrested and thrown in an insane asylum and studied by some nice government guy. Eventually the other soldier got unstuck in time and tried to hunt down Quardo or whatever and they got in a fight and both flashed back to the future.

It was called Soldier. It wasn't exactly like Terminator, but James Cameraman paid Harlan Ellison (the guy who wrote 'Soldier' some money, so you know it inspired it at least.)

The funniest parts were the costumes, how they were dressed up like Knights of the Round In Shining Armor! All in all it was pretty cool to see this old show that inspired Terminator though. I'm psyched for the new one!

Day 84: Rinsed out this thing of cheddar dip with hot water

So I can recycle it! That stuff is a rip off, its like over $3 for some melted cheesestuff. And I hate those jars, cause they make it wide mouth so you think you can dip chips straight into it, but if you try that you'll get cheese all over the side of your hand and knuckles.

Day 83: Went to Alpha Ridge Park

It's a park, whaddya want. I sat there in a camp chair and wiped my nose on my gloves and watched a baseball game for three hours, Whaddya want?

Day 82: Visited Carl's Little House

This could almost be a dining blog, cause lots of 'em are about what and where I ate junky food.

I had to park about a million miles away from Cangden Yards 'cause it was opening day and all the fairweather fans and Yankee fans were there taking all the parking. I could have parked in one garage but it was asking for $30 and I said "FUCK th*t."

The good part about the spot I found was that it was totally FREE, there were still plenty of spaces near it, and NO parking tickets. Also it was near this Carl's Little House place, which I found to be a real gem when we stopped in after the game.

There were a few alchys in there, but they seemed to be the harmless, 'let me tell you about my glory days and the good old days of Baltimore' types, not the 'let me stab you with a knife' types.

When my party walked in there a few other young gentrified Oriole fans walked in there and one of them bought a round of shots, including three for me and my two brothers. Problem was he couldn't pay up. He wanted to pay credit and they didn't accept. He started pitching a fit about how they didn't accept credit and walked around the corner to find an ATM. No one smacked a pool cue over the nape of his neck so it seemed like a pretty easygoing place. Eventually his buddy had to pay for his shots and I had to pay for our three shots.

The place had an old timey jute box (not Internet) and a pool table. (I won my game with Philip with a sick square shot.)

They also had good food for very good prices. I had a bacon cheeseburger which was a special with fries for like $5.75 or something. I also ordered Pizza Fries to share ($2.75 for a generous portion.) Speaking of To Share, Mark ToShare-Uh sucked. And some people are like: 'you shouldn't boo him, you would have taken the extra $20 million too!' Yeah, but if I took the xtra $20 million I would have realized the price was getting my ass booed off in Baltimore.

Beers were $1.75 each or something? Or maybe $2.50? I forget. They said their cheese steaks were the real winner, and we didn't even order those. I may have to go back to try one at my next O's game. All in all it was a good 'ol O's bar.

Day 81: Got two for five turkey subs from Royal Farms

Their turkey subs were really skinny for some reason, almost like a hot dog. Royal Farms! Royal Farms!

Day 80: Went to the new Nats stadium

They had a place called the Red Porch where you could drink a Home Run Draught.

Day 79: Lifted a phone booth from a 7-11

It looks kind of like this but it said 7-11 on it.

It's not stealing if it was next to the dumpster. That's just called taking trash. We were still sneaky about it though. Now it's just sitting out back. Not sure what to do with it. (PICTURE COMING!!!)

Day 78: Watched guys burgle one of those clothes donation dumpsters

You know those things that look like dumpsters that say 'World Peace Donations' or 'Donate your clothes here for worlds of peace for the needy'?

I saw three guys standing around one with a laundry basket and the laundry basket was full of clothes. I know what you're thinking: 'oh he's racist (even though I never even said they were chinese), maybe they were just donating clothes to it, or maybe they worked for 'worlds for needy donations peace'.

Well, here's how I knew they were burgling it: it was 12:30 a.m., and one of the guys was halfway in it with his legs dangling out of the slot where you dump the shit in.

OK, if you were really a devils advocate you could say: 'maybe they went there to donate, and he actually donated his car keys or something that he didn't mean to donate and he was just getting it back.'

Oh come on...

Day 77: Visited with these guys

Day 76: Ate a machine sandwich

It wasn't THIS good. I wish it was! This was a picture I stole from Hardees.

No silly, not a sandwich made out of metal and bolts, a sandwich out of a machine! It was a catchy title that made you read though right? And that was the trick!

The sandwich I ate was Chicken Parmesan. It was a regular Kaisser roll, a tiny bit of tomato paste, a piece of decent provolone cheese, and a breaded chicken patty of fair quality. The key is in preparing it. First you separate everything. Then you lightly toast the roll on each side in the toaster. Then you heat the chicken (WITHOUT THE CHEESE!!!) in the microwave for about 30 seconds then another 20 seconds. If you put the cheese in the microwave its going to melt away to nothing or crusty all up like when you tried to make string cheese nachos when you were a kid and left it in too long.

Just lay the cheese on the chicken breast when its heated and it will melt perfectly. Now put it all together and you've got a restaurant quality sandwich out of the machine at work for only about $2.25 (still a little high if you ask me, but I guess you pay for the convenience. Don't even get me started on the chips. 90 cents? I'll starve first...)

I stole some mayonaisse from the office fridge to add to the caloric content. Don't use the packets! Mayonaise isn't supposed to be gray...

Day 75: Chatted with the neighbors.

Keith was having a cigarette and worked until 10:30 p.m. We talked about Wrestlemania. Kory forgot we had basketball tonight and said he'd sign up for the next session. I meant to ask Kory if the keg in his backyard was still good, and to tell him I had two Dodgers on my fantasy team, cause he's from Cali.

Day 74: Watched Battle Royale

Not the wrestling event, the Japanese movie about schoolchildren who have to kirr each other. They each get a random weapon. They're supposed to be 9th graders but some look like they're in their mid-20s.

Day 73: Maintained my fish tank

I've been meaning to vacuum it for a long time, because I always feed it when I'm drunk and I pour too much food in, and it all sinks to the bottom. I added seven fish like four months ago and all of them are dead except one and I think he bit the other six. It was a pain to vacuum because it sucks out all the water, so I could only get about halfway done before I had to stop, so there was still a ton of shit in there. And also the walls are all brown and hazy. So I went to the PetSmart and bought this snail that's supposed to clean up the walls and this bottom feeder that's supposed to lay down there in the rocks and eat all the shit that sinks down there. That should do it. For good measure I added two zebra danilos to live with the guy that is the only one left. Problem is he's a giant danilo and he's much bigger than the zebra danilos and I think he might eat them.

Day 72: Drank Diet Mountain Dew on ice out of a tiny styrofoam cup with a straw

This must be how rich people drink beverages.

Day 71: Admired Sabrina the Teenage Witch's figure

Ooh, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, with your pale white skin, bright blonde hair and cute button nose, and the way you're always wearing those tight dressy pants in the later episodes when you worked at that magazine and you were always wearing smart but sexy business attire, and the way I had a "crush" on you when you were Clarissa Explains It All. You and Alex Mack. You've cast a spell on me, you have.

Day 70: Bleached my whites

Some of them, like a couple pillow cases, said 'Do Not Bleach', but I said, 'yer white, ain't ye?' and I bleached the hell out of them!

I don't like the smell of bleach, but I like the smell of laundry that's been heavily bleached. Weird...

Day 69: Ate McDonalds for supper

I'm not proud of myself, I had no choice having to work so late. I dipped the quarter pounder in sweet and sour sauce. I wanted one of those KFC bowls (those things are so good), but they were closed.

Day 68: Watched the WBC Championship

There was some guy named Holy Bum Lee who hit the big hit to make it extra innings.

There was also guys named Holy Bum Bum Bum, Some Fun Bum, Dumb Dumb Fun Fun, Hoo Hoo Choo Choo, Dim Sum Crumb Bum, and Charlie Lee.

Day 67: Busted the zipper on my cool technical pants

At least they're from REI so I should get new cool technical pants for free. When I tried to wear them the zipper handle was sideways and I guess I forced it and it busted but those pants are supposed to be all rugged and durable and handle that kind of stuff even though they're technical what do they have computer chips in the pockets. I've had bad luck with zippers lately I also busted the zipper on my nap sack recently.

Day 66: Rode the bus

To the Blast game. It's fun getting around on the bus and cheaper than paying for parking. You feel like a man about town. And you don't have to worry about drinking and driving. But sometimes you have to sit next to some weirdo and you're afraid some psychopath might try to cut your head off.

(o.0)

Day 65: Got my hairs cuts at Floys Barber Shop

I wish I could get my hairs cut at THIS Floyd's Barber Shop :o(

Hey did you get your haircut, no I got them all cut! Hoh! Boh! Yes! Bang! Poh!

I got it cuts at this place called Floys 66 or something that looked all hip and stylish from the street. When I walked in there it was all hip with all these people with sideways haircuts and thrift outfits walking around.

There were all these Hawthorned Hites posters on the walls and big screen wall tvs and internet cafes.

I imagined if I was Hank Hill I would have been disgusted and overwhelmed and I would have ended up telling someone off. Luckily I'm pretty hip myself so I sat on down. You can tell how hip I am cause I was confortable with a lady cutting my hair.

I'm pretty pleased with my haircut I would say, though you can never really tell until you take that first shower and dry it all off with the towel. I hadn't had it cut in like six months so it was pretty out of control.

It was kind of awkward at the end when she had to offer a massage, I could tell she was like 'please don't say yes' and I was like 'no that's OK' It seems kind of weird anyway that they make them offer a massage. I was like 'where's the table that I'm going to lay on anyway with that big hole for my face, and am I supposed to wrap a big bath towel around my waste?'

Today was a tough decision because I also ate a hot dog from a concession stand and donated a big bag of clothes to the Goodwill, so I had a tough choice.

Day 64: Watched Wrestlingmania IV (FOUR)

It was pretty cool because it had Demolition, Ultimate Warrior and Ban Ban Bigelow.
It also had this tournament that was kind of like March Madness and Macho Man Randy Savage won when he did that elbow drop where all the cameras went off. Then he shook Hoch Hoggens hand about 25 times.

It also had that sex pot Miss Elizabeth. I wonder if she still looks good enough for a poke? (RIP: oh no, she died five years ago :o(

Day 63: Finally paid off my wedding gift backlog

You know how when you go to a wedding they say you have a year to give them the gift? I recently paid off two wedding gifts as 'first baby' gifts, so they were like two to three years late. But now I'm free and clear.

Ahh.

Hey, I could have just been like 'screw it, I don't have to give a gift.'

Day 62: Canceled that dumb MLB Insiders Club

I don't have time for all that sh!t.

Day 61: Took out the papers and the trash

I didn't take out the cans because I have to crush those and I was wearing bare feet and it was too late.

The papers I just throw in a bin.

The trash was a bit exciting cause it was raining and almost 1 a.m.

It was one of those times where I was very thankful to have a house to quickly dash back into, no matter how messy and modest it is. Some people have to stay out in the cold and rain all night.

:*(

Even the cavemen must have felt happy to have caves to huddle in.

Day 60: Stopped at the Delaware House

Thanks to geocities.com/roy_rogers_wb/ for this photo which I stole without permission but I'm giving you credit now and no one reads this blog anyway.

I needed a rest stop, too, because I was nodding off behind the wheel. I had to sit on a toilet that for some reason was like two-inches above the floor and the slob before me had sprayed piss all over and it seemed like there were people playing tackle football in the stalls around me so I couldn't really relax and let it flow out of my bottom.

I opted for Roy Rogers which is still one of my favorites and you don't see them that often. I like how they have the holster of fries, and how you get this plain jane burger and then bring it over to the Fixin's Bar and really jazz it up. Later I thought to myself that when I got my burger I should have said to the cashier "I'm fixin to go use the Fixins Bar." Some guy was actually making a salad from the Fixins Bar onto his Sbarros plate. I thought my dad was the only person who did that. I also enjoyed a Mello Yello as my drink.

I added ketchup, mustard, manonaise, horseradish, barbecue sauce, pickles, tomatoes and onions and it was really good while I was driving my Camry with my knees.

It's a good thing I enjoyed the Delaware House one last time when I still had the chance. There are too many Burger Kings at rest stops already.

Day 59: Shotgunned a beer on the rooftop...

...of this building.

It's cool how I showed the shotgun hole and the yellow stuff is the beer and you can tell because of the waves.

Sorry no photographic evidence, but I did it.

Later my friend was running to the draft board to see if Brad Ziegler had already been picked as my other friend was throwing me a PBR, and the PBR hit the first friend in the head...

:o(

Day 59: Just did it.

I just did it it was fun forever. You never know it it was fun forever.

Day 57: Got the Tootsie Pop wrapper with the Native American shooting the star

Isn't it supposed to be worth a hundo or something? Or you can send it away for a lifetime supply of Tootie Pops.

Why does Knights of Columbus sell Tootie Rolls to handicapped citizens? (They don't want to sell them to handicapped illegal immigrants.) And they sell those weird square ones that are broken into weird segments.

Remember the ones that were weird flavors like vanilla and lemon? I actually really liked the vanilla ones.

Day 56: Got pulled over :o(

Beautiful, beautiful warning

WOW! That was one of those times where I was like "Well, I f*cked up this time. I'm finished" because I had several beers while playing kickball earlier in the evening. There's no way to explain this off, but if I needed to I would have stayed in the city instead of driving home. I knew I could drive safe, blah, blah, whatever...

Anyway, when I was like 500 yards from my house I see these flashing red and blues. At first I'm like, 'must be an amboolance, get out of its way.' Then I'm like 'No ambulance, John Law wants me to stop'

I pull over and I'm like here comes the dooey, thousands of bucks, jail time, etc., gotta change my life, wake up call, big trouble, etc.

The cop's like, 'know why I pulled you over?' 'no' 'speeding' 'oh' 'license and reg' ' here you go' then the waiting game. I'm just sitting there like 'how f*cked am I? Here comes the sobriety test, will I pass?' a few minutes pass and here he comes with the verdict, judge, jury and executioner.

'I'm gonna write you a warning'

The six (or seven or eight depending on if 'I am' and 'going to' are multiple words) sweetest words I've ever heard.

No speeding ticket, no nothing. Off the hook.

Apparently I was going 49 in a 30.

I won't forget this anytime soon.

Day 55: Had my emissions tested

PASS!!!

Now go ahead with your dirty jokes about emissions you dirty birds. Oh, oh, did I have my emissions tested at night, come on.

Once the guy sits in your car you get to sit inside this cute glass booth where you watch them do their work. It would have been nice to have a TV or a few vending machines in there, but oh well. I wish they put my car on the neat treadmill, but they didn't, whether that's good or bad, I don't know.