Day 76: Ate a machine sandwich

It wasn't THIS good. I wish it was! This was a picture I stole from Hardees.

No silly, not a sandwich made out of metal and bolts, a sandwich out of a machine! It was a catchy title that made you read though right? And that was the trick!

The sandwich I ate was Chicken Parmesan. It was a regular Kaisser roll, a tiny bit of tomato paste, a piece of decent provolone cheese, and a breaded chicken patty of fair quality. The key is in preparing it. First you separate everything. Then you lightly toast the roll on each side in the toaster. Then you heat the chicken (WITHOUT THE CHEESE!!!) in the microwave for about 30 seconds then another 20 seconds. If you put the cheese in the microwave its going to melt away to nothing or crusty all up like when you tried to make string cheese nachos when you were a kid and left it in too long.

Just lay the cheese on the chicken breast when its heated and it will melt perfectly. Now put it all together and you've got a restaurant quality sandwich out of the machine at work for only about $2.25 (still a little high if you ask me, but I guess you pay for the convenience. Don't even get me started on the chips. 90 cents? I'll starve first...)

I stole some mayonaisse from the office fridge to add to the caloric content. Don't use the packets! Mayonaise isn't supposed to be gray...

Day 75: Chatted with the neighbors.

Keith was having a cigarette and worked until 10:30 p.m. We talked about Wrestlemania. Kory forgot we had basketball tonight and said he'd sign up for the next session. I meant to ask Kory if the keg in his backyard was still good, and to tell him I had two Dodgers on my fantasy team, cause he's from Cali.

Day 74: Watched Battle Royale

Not the wrestling event, the Japanese movie about schoolchildren who have to kirr each other. They each get a random weapon. They're supposed to be 9th graders but some look like they're in their mid-20s.

Day 73: Maintained my fish tank

I've been meaning to vacuum it for a long time, because I always feed it when I'm drunk and I pour too much food in, and it all sinks to the bottom. I added seven fish like four months ago and all of them are dead except one and I think he bit the other six. It was a pain to vacuum because it sucks out all the water, so I could only get about halfway done before I had to stop, so there was still a ton of shit in there. And also the walls are all brown and hazy. So I went to the PetSmart and bought this snail that's supposed to clean up the walls and this bottom feeder that's supposed to lay down there in the rocks and eat all the shit that sinks down there. That should do it. For good measure I added two zebra danilos to live with the guy that is the only one left. Problem is he's a giant danilo and he's much bigger than the zebra danilos and I think he might eat them.

Day 72: Drank Diet Mountain Dew on ice out of a tiny styrofoam cup with a straw

This must be how rich people drink beverages.

Day 71: Admired Sabrina the Teenage Witch's figure

Ooh, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, with your pale white skin, bright blonde hair and cute button nose, and the way you're always wearing those tight dressy pants in the later episodes when you worked at that magazine and you were always wearing smart but sexy business attire, and the way I had a "crush" on you when you were Clarissa Explains It All. You and Alex Mack. You've cast a spell on me, you have.

Day 70: Bleached my whites

Some of them, like a couple pillow cases, said 'Do Not Bleach', but I said, 'yer white, ain't ye?' and I bleached the hell out of them!

I don't like the smell of bleach, but I like the smell of laundry that's been heavily bleached. Weird...

Day 69: Ate McDonalds for supper

I'm not proud of myself, I had no choice having to work so late. I dipped the quarter pounder in sweet and sour sauce. I wanted one of those KFC bowls (those things are so good), but they were closed.

Day 68: Watched the WBC Championship

There was some guy named Holy Bum Lee who hit the big hit to make it extra innings.

There was also guys named Holy Bum Bum Bum, Some Fun Bum, Dumb Dumb Fun Fun, Hoo Hoo Choo Choo, Dim Sum Crumb Bum, and Charlie Lee.

Day 67: Busted the zipper on my cool technical pants

At least they're from REI so I should get new cool technical pants for free. When I tried to wear them the zipper handle was sideways and I guess I forced it and it busted but those pants are supposed to be all rugged and durable and handle that kind of stuff even though they're technical what do they have computer chips in the pockets. I've had bad luck with zippers lately I also busted the zipper on my nap sack recently.

Day 66: Rode the bus

To the Blast game. It's fun getting around on the bus and cheaper than paying for parking. You feel like a man about town. And you don't have to worry about drinking and driving. But sometimes you have to sit next to some weirdo and you're afraid some psychopath might try to cut your head off.

(o.0)

Day 65: Got my hairs cuts at Floys Barber Shop

I wish I could get my hairs cut at THIS Floyd's Barber Shop :o(

Hey did you get your haircut, no I got them all cut! Hoh! Boh! Yes! Bang! Poh!

I got it cuts at this place called Floys 66 or something that looked all hip and stylish from the street. When I walked in there it was all hip with all these people with sideways haircuts and thrift outfits walking around.

There were all these Hawthorned Hites posters on the walls and big screen wall tvs and internet cafes.

I imagined if I was Hank Hill I would have been disgusted and overwhelmed and I would have ended up telling someone off. Luckily I'm pretty hip myself so I sat on down. You can tell how hip I am cause I was confortable with a lady cutting my hair.

I'm pretty pleased with my haircut I would say, though you can never really tell until you take that first shower and dry it all off with the towel. I hadn't had it cut in like six months so it was pretty out of control.

It was kind of awkward at the end when she had to offer a massage, I could tell she was like 'please don't say yes' and I was like 'no that's OK' It seems kind of weird anyway that they make them offer a massage. I was like 'where's the table that I'm going to lay on anyway with that big hole for my face, and am I supposed to wrap a big bath towel around my waste?'

Today was a tough decision because I also ate a hot dog from a concession stand and donated a big bag of clothes to the Goodwill, so I had a tough choice.

Day 64: Watched Wrestlingmania IV (FOUR)

It was pretty cool because it had Demolition, Ultimate Warrior and Ban Ban Bigelow.
It also had this tournament that was kind of like March Madness and Macho Man Randy Savage won when he did that elbow drop where all the cameras went off. Then he shook Hoch Hoggens hand about 25 times.

It also had that sex pot Miss Elizabeth. I wonder if she still looks good enough for a poke? (RIP: oh no, she died five years ago :o(

Day 63: Finally paid off my wedding gift backlog

You know how when you go to a wedding they say you have a year to give them the gift? I recently paid off two wedding gifts as 'first baby' gifts, so they were like two to three years late. But now I'm free and clear.

Ahh.

Hey, I could have just been like 'screw it, I don't have to give a gift.'

Day 62: Canceled that dumb MLB Insiders Club

I don't have time for all that sh!t.

Day 61: Took out the papers and the trash

I didn't take out the cans because I have to crush those and I was wearing bare feet and it was too late.

The papers I just throw in a bin.

The trash was a bit exciting cause it was raining and almost 1 a.m.

It was one of those times where I was very thankful to have a house to quickly dash back into, no matter how messy and modest it is. Some people have to stay out in the cold and rain all night.

:*(

Even the cavemen must have felt happy to have caves to huddle in.

Day 60: Stopped at the Delaware House

Thanks to geocities.com/roy_rogers_wb/ for this photo which I stole without permission but I'm giving you credit now and no one reads this blog anyway.

I needed a rest stop, too, because I was nodding off behind the wheel. I had to sit on a toilet that for some reason was like two-inches above the floor and the slob before me had sprayed piss all over and it seemed like there were people playing tackle football in the stalls around me so I couldn't really relax and let it flow out of my bottom.

I opted for Roy Rogers which is still one of my favorites and you don't see them that often. I like how they have the holster of fries, and how you get this plain jane burger and then bring it over to the Fixin's Bar and really jazz it up. Later I thought to myself that when I got my burger I should have said to the cashier "I'm fixin to go use the Fixins Bar." Some guy was actually making a salad from the Fixins Bar onto his Sbarros plate. I thought my dad was the only person who did that. I also enjoyed a Mello Yello as my drink.

I added ketchup, mustard, manonaise, horseradish, barbecue sauce, pickles, tomatoes and onions and it was really good while I was driving my Camry with my knees.

It's a good thing I enjoyed the Delaware House one last time when I still had the chance. There are too many Burger Kings at rest stops already.

Day 59: Shotgunned a beer on the rooftop...

...of this building.

It's cool how I showed the shotgun hole and the yellow stuff is the beer and you can tell because of the waves.

Sorry no photographic evidence, but I did it.

Later my friend was running to the draft board to see if Brad Ziegler had already been picked as my other friend was throwing me a PBR, and the PBR hit the first friend in the head...

:o(

Day 59: Just did it.

I just did it it was fun forever. You never know it it was fun forever.

Day 57: Got the Tootsie Pop wrapper with the Native American shooting the star

Isn't it supposed to be worth a hundo or something? Or you can send it away for a lifetime supply of Tootie Pops.

Why does Knights of Columbus sell Tootie Rolls to handicapped citizens? (They don't want to sell them to handicapped illegal immigrants.) And they sell those weird square ones that are broken into weird segments.

Remember the ones that were weird flavors like vanilla and lemon? I actually really liked the vanilla ones.

Day 56: Got pulled over :o(

Beautiful, beautiful warning

WOW! That was one of those times where I was like "Well, I f*cked up this time. I'm finished" because I had several beers while playing kickball earlier in the evening. There's no way to explain this off, but if I needed to I would have stayed in the city instead of driving home. I knew I could drive safe, blah, blah, whatever...

Anyway, when I was like 500 yards from my house I see these flashing red and blues. At first I'm like, 'must be an amboolance, get out of its way.' Then I'm like 'No ambulance, John Law wants me to stop'

I pull over and I'm like here comes the dooey, thousands of bucks, jail time, etc., gotta change my life, wake up call, big trouble, etc.

The cop's like, 'know why I pulled you over?' 'no' 'speeding' 'oh' 'license and reg' ' here you go' then the waiting game. I'm just sitting there like 'how f*cked am I? Here comes the sobriety test, will I pass?' a few minutes pass and here he comes with the verdict, judge, jury and executioner.

'I'm gonna write you a warning'

The six (or seven or eight depending on if 'I am' and 'going to' are multiple words) sweetest words I've ever heard.

No speeding ticket, no nothing. Off the hook.

Apparently I was going 49 in a 30.

I won't forget this anytime soon.

Day 55: Had my emissions tested

PASS!!!

Now go ahead with your dirty jokes about emissions you dirty birds. Oh, oh, did I have my emissions tested at night, come on.

Once the guy sits in your car you get to sit inside this cute glass booth where you watch them do their work. It would have been nice to have a TV or a few vending machines in there, but oh well. I wish they put my car on the neat treadmill, but they didn't, whether that's good or bad, I don't know.

Day 54: Restitched the heel of my softball glove

Next I have to tighten the other stitches that hadn't broken, and oil it and reform the pocket. Softball season is almost here! I've been getting really depressed all winter not having many outside/drinking activities.

My only regret is that I didn't leave enough on that last bit to tie into a knot. It looked like enough when I slashed it off with my pucket knife but it most certainly was not. Maybe once it becomes more flexible. The way it was originally stitched though, there was no knot or extension beyond the glove. It just ended inside the glove which seemed kind of sloppy but then I'm not a glove cobbler, or a gravy robber.

Day 53: Watched a hipster bike rally

They rode around and around in the mud in skinny jeans and they were on single speed bikes with skinny wheels. The only thing that wasn't skinny was their bottoms. Ahh, I guess some of us need something to make fun of, and some of us need to be made fun of.

Day 52: Didn't make my bed

An untidy bed. What a shame.

I usually make my bed every day, because it makes me feel organized, but today I was running late and very busy, so I left it all out of sorts. What a pity.

I'm just going to lay inside all the bedthings and make it from the inside as I fall to sleep.

Day 51: Posed a question on Yahoo Answers

I asked why heavy metal stars in the 80s dressed up like ladies.

Day 50: Searched up that busty Police Academy lady

Remember, the one who had the romance with that Asian stereotype character? At one point she buries his face in her bosoms. And then in the photo above she's like 'Now who wants to save me?' and everyone's like 'Aww hell yeah!' and they start going crazy like in a Chinese Fire Drill.

Well apparently she is now almost sixty...and still looking good!!! If you believe airbrushed photoshops that is.
Well I still think she looks good enough for a poke, AND she's going to be in Police Academy 8, so good for her.

Day 49: Drove past the Baltimore Heliport

I didn't realize there was one! But I found myself driving past it when I followed some dumb Googo Maps directions. I would have stopped to explore but I was running late for Happy Hours.

It has a pilot's lounge, and I sure as heck wouldn't mind checking that out someday.

Day 48: Sold that item on eBay!

I had forgotten all about it.

I got an email saying that it had sold for $2.00.

Hmm, I'm not sure what to think. I guess it sold at market price. Unfortunately my whole 'FREE SHIPPING' gimmick may have backfired, 'cause I think it's going to cost at least $2.00 to ship. Maybe I could slip it into the outgoing mail bin at work and have it shipped for free after all. But then I might get fired for misuse of company postage.

The real lesson here is that selling crap on eBay isn't as glamorous as those GetRichQuick infomercials would have you believe.

My first daydream when selling that tape was that it would actually be some extremely rare collectible that would generate a bidding war into the hundreds of dollars.

Considering how well my craigslist posting is doing, maybe it was enough of an achievement that this stupid tape sold at all.

POSTSCRIPT: PayPal charged like .35 cents to accept payment and it costs $2 and change to ship, so it ended up costing me .77 to sell that dumb tape.

Day 47: Became a charter member of the MLB Insiders Club

Today must be my lucky day. When I get home from work, what do I find waiting for me in the mail but an envelope adorned with colorful MLB logos.

Inside was an offer, nay, a plea for me, one of "the best baseball fans in the nation" to join "the greatest collection of baseball enthusiasts ever asembled."

Well, I must say, they picked the right guy. I get a free Stadium Blanket, customized with the logo of my favorite team (The Orioles! The Orioles!) plus a Fan Guide, a membership to MLB Insiders Club Magazine and a free All-Star game program. All for just $2 a month!!!

I also get to test new products, get special discounts on MLB licensed merchandise, and special members only previews that I can purchase at my members-only price, or return to the Club. They pay the postage!



They'd make the dues even lower if they could, but, as I can well imagine, it costs them a great deal to print their magazine and run the Club in a quality way.

If I want to cancel at anytime they'll give me a free refund, so there's really nothing to lose.

There's got to be a catch!?

Day 46: Ate at the Sea Hut Inn

They were out of everything the (sultry) waitress warned us. Oysters? Out. Crabs? Out. Flounder? Out. Haddock? Out.

You might as well call it the Land Hut Inn, I joked to myself later.

Fried chicken was in, and at only $8.95 for the fried chicken dinner (three pieces, cole slaw, fries, and a roll) it was a bargain. I added a side salad with french dressing ($2.95 and a good size!) for some roughage, and a pitcher of beer ($6.95) to wash it down. All in all, an excellent bargain.

My brothers swore that their fried chicken was great, in fact my older brother said it was the best he had ever had (!!!) I think he was just trying to make time with the sultry waitress though, because mine was underdeveloped and dry. It reminded me of when Clark tried to cut into the turkey and smoke comes out and it deflates.

The place has great atmosphere with this crazy indoor tiki bar that has like its own roof, but its inside the restaurant, and the slaw and fries were really good. From where our booth was you could even watch the TVs inside the bar area. And it has its own internet jute box.

I think at some point the sultry waitress said that she was in the Kim's Karate commercial as the little girl that goes "Nobody bothers me!" But she was so sultry that none of us could work up the nerve to ask her if that was true. (Editors note: We could have sworn that it was Kim's Karate, but it seems that it was actually Jhoon Rhee Karate)

Day 45: Took a Web's shot of that Ace of Cakes place

I had to help a friend move at 9 a.m. (ON A SATURDAY!!!??? WTF???) I got there at like 9:15 which was a minor miracle, and all the moving was pretty much done, 'cause she had like a Baker's Dozen of Busy Bees helping her move, and a lot more of them were more industrious than me, or what word means waking up earlier and keeping your promise of being there at 9 a.m. and not 9:15 a.m.?

Anywayz, afterwords we were like 'whatever, lets grab some lunch, let's just grab it.' and so we went to Dizzy Issies, or as it's called by it's new name 'ISYS.'

I saw that Ace of Space place and took this web shotz of it. Some curley haired lady was walking in and I think she may have been one of the starz of the show.

'Just tie a silk sheet 'round your neck
And twist it 'til your face turns cherry red... '