Day 100: Dialed 911

I was at a high school baseball game and some old lady got HOUSED in the forehead by a line drive foul ball. So I dialed the number and told them to send a damn amboolance.

Day 99: Had gas

Had gas

Day 98: Cleared all items on the DVR

There was a time when this DVR was nipping at 100 % with episodes of Lost, Tim and Eric, Tom Goes to the Mayor, Outer Limits (old and new), Simpsons, Cheap Seats, Urban Legends, Scare Tactics, and lots and lots of Americas Funniest Videos. If I neglected any of my favorite shows its not because I don't love you.

Now after many months of diligent work the DVR is empty, maybe for the first time since it first recorded a show. But only until 1 a.m. when it records another ep of Tim and Eric. It's OK though, cause I've already seen that one so I can delete it or watch it in only 15 minutes.

Day 97: Clipped a coupon

It's for $1.50 off two Emerald Nuts products 5 oz or larger. I don't like how coupons started becoming for multiple products, cause sometimes its like $1.00 off 8 packs of gum, but this one wasn't bad because it's basically like .75 off each jar of nuts.

I like Emerald nuts, not quite the brand recognition of Planters, but a quality nut that I like to munch in the wee hours of the morning as I sip a glass of fine Evan Williams whiskey.

I may also try some of those jalapeno nuts because I've gotten on a kick where everything I have has to be very spicy or hot.

Day 96: Received a photographic speeding violation by mail

For going 37 in a 25. Come on! 12 over? And $50. Gimme a break!

At least you can fight it, and there's no points. And I plan to fight it. I'm going to request a trial, and then change the date, just to really gum up the system that would allow this miscarriage of justice.

What if I was speeding up to avoid crashing into a baby carriage or something? Or what if there was a bomb in my car and it would explode if I went slower than 35? Or what if I spilled hot coffee on my good ones and I stood on the gas pedal?

What's next? Will they take a picture of me with a radar from outer space pouring motor oil down the laundry tub and send me a ticket? Or will they see me fondling myself and my thunderpants will catch on fire? Or will they use sekret wire taps in my cell phone and send me a fine every time I send a test message about taking muscle relaxers for fun? Or a seatbelt that strangles you every time you try to drive without using it?

The problem is that a human cop might see that it was a real nice day and there was little traffic and I was just driving the speed of traffic and my car is so new I didn't realize how powerful it was and I was running late and if I got in a crash I could just brace myself against the steering wheel. But that robot in the camera can not reason or have mercy. He only has one function.

Day 95: Buried yet another fish

It was one of the small danilos. Poor little guy. His belly was all swelled out and he was stuck in this fake plastic plant. I wonder if I fed them too much?

Maybe I'm just not cut out for fish keeping. I've only really managed to keep one original alive from when I started the aquarium about six months ago. The rest die after a week or two. Or maybe that one is biting all the other ones that I put in there.

Sometimes it seems like they die after a wild party in the basement, and maybe the noise and the stress is what's killing them.

Day 94: Played indian leg wrestling

Not indian mud wrestling.

Native American leg wrestling.



That's not me, it's two babes from YouTubes

Day 93: Beat NARC

with neighbor Keith.

The hardest part was at the end where that guy's big head attacked you. It had good grafix, it was the Arcade version emulated on Gamecube as party of the Midway Treasures package.

Day 92: Drank a 40 of Code 45

I like to drink it while I play poker. Some times people are like 'what do you think you're from the hood?' and I'm like, 'no, I just like it, I like the taste, I like the label, and I like the way it gets me drunk.' and then I'm like 'I just enjoy it for what it is, you're the one projecting racial stereotypes.'

(P.S. I'm white.)

Day 91: Filed my taxes

Thanks for the art Simpsons Gallery! http://www.duffzone.org/ An awesome site.

On the last day, the great American way. I made about five and a half hunskies. Not bad.

Since I didn't have much time I didn't bother with trying to trick the deductions by saying I had a home office and my car got broken into and I donated a bunch of ratty old shirts to Good Will and I volunteered by giving blood and all that sh!t. The standard deduction always ends up being more anyway. So I just took the standard, and I'm pretty pleased. I even tried doing the Earned Income Tax Credit, but I used some online calculator and they said you're too rich, and I was like, oh yeah, try telling my stomach that since it had five hot dogs in a row with A1 all over them as a steak dinner.

Day 90: Ate strangled eggs with ham cut up in it for supper

Not the actual meal I had, this image was stolen from this blog. They may have stolen it from someone else.

Breakfast for supper.

A good use of leftover Easter ham. (The koopa troopers backs in SMB always reminded me of ham.)

I wish I had green peppers and onions and cheddar cheese to add to it, then it would have been a Western ommellette.

Since I haven't been grocery shopping in awhile all I had for breakfast was a granola bar with chocolate chips. And all I had for lunch was about a dozen baby carrots and four strawed berry Newtons. I also had a couple cups of black coffee, a Diet Sierra Mist, and three or four DMD's (Diet Dews) in there.

So I was real hungry around dinner break. I went over to the rents to take care of some leftovers. Started with some leftover fries from Five Guys, then a hardboiled easter egg, then had a cranberry dinner roll with butter and cream of broccoli soup. Then a ham sandwich with mayo, mustard and melted string cheese. Had a few pretsels and pistachios. Then the final course was the strangled eggs with some more ham in it.

When I got home a few hours later I took a long dark poop that looked like a big tail.

Day 89: Sent away for a rebate!

I sent away for my Evan Williams rebate of $3.00. When I was perusing the liquor store shelves a couple weeks ago a flag on the neck of the Evan Williams bottle caught my eye: '$3.00 Rebate!'

I was already a fan of Evan Williams for it's value, potency, and smooth taste.

You had to send them the label, so I had to soak the bottle in warm water, and the label was still difficult to remove so it's all crinkled.

The stamp cost about 50 cents nowadays so the rebate is only about $2.50 but it will still be nice to get that check from Evan Williams in 18 to 24 weeks.

And I can check the progress at checkmyrebate.biz (a terrible, crappy, slow webbed site)

Wonderful. I think I'll enjoy some delicious Evan Williams now.

Day 88: Played a practicaled joke

It was at an Easter family gathering at my anties house. My dad was wearing khaucki pants with cuffs. So I started inconspicuously slipping pennies into his cuffs. I also attached an paper clamp to one cuff. I got three or four pennies in over the hour that I was there.

It was a very immature prank, but amusing nonetheless.

Apparently the change fell out later (must have tried to put his leg on his knee or something) and one of my aunts was dying laughing, so it was a successful skit.

Day 87: Drank milk beer

Now I'm not one of those beer snobs who's like, 'Miller Lite, oh, how could you drink that piss!' in fact, I'm far from it. In a pinch, I'll pour nail polish remover into a coke to get drunk.

But I was going to a dinner party -- not too classy, but not a couple of EVM's on paper plates either -- so I wanted to bring something. On the way there was a liquor shoppe. I could have bought a four pack of Natural Light 22-ozers, but again, I was trying to class it up.

So I ended up with this milk beer, a very classy $9.99 per six-pack. It was OK, but nothing to go nuts about.

Day 86: Peed in the ladies room

I have proof in the picture cause of the flowers. Before you think I'm some slob, the bar OWNER told me to pee in the ladies room.

I was waiting in line for the mans room and he walked past and was like 'go in the ladies room' and I was like 's'rously?' and he was like 'fa'real' and so what was I going to do?

It was still funny though cause when I was in their peeing I hear these girls like 'OH MY GOD THAT GUY JUST WENT IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM. SER'OUSLY FA'REAL THAT GUY JUST WENT IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM.'

I was real careful any way cause I lifted the seat and aimed dead center for the bowl and even though none splashed on the rim I STILL wiped it down with TP.

When I walked out those gossipy girls turned their backs, but I held my head high.

There's a long story about why he let me pee in the ladies room, where my brother couldn't hold his liquor and broke the glass in the men's room like a year ago, and we came back in and tried to apologize and pay him for it, and he was still mad, and we keep coming there, and now I think he feels bad about when he was still mad cause we've been good paying customers, and etc., and he also gave us free nachos. I made sure to tip them well, and I just wish my brother had never broken the glass, he always seems to end up in situations like that. But it's cool now.

The place is called Quigleys and you should patronize them cause it's a good place, with good people and good values and prices and food.

Day 85: Watched the episode of Outer Limits that inspired the Terminator series

The photo speaks for itself. It's SICK!!!

But actually I've always said that Outer Limits (old and new versions) should have been a 30 minute show and not 60 minutes, and this was a good example. They spent a lot of time with the guy Quardo or whatever sitting in a padded room saying futuristic phrases and attacking film reels that tried to teach him about love.

This wasn't exactly like Terminator: basically two futuristic soldiers were fighting and they were both hit by lasers at the same time, and went back into the past. One got stuck in time while the other, our hero, went back to like the 1960s. He got arrested and thrown in an insane asylum and studied by some nice government guy. Eventually the other soldier got unstuck in time and tried to hunt down Quardo or whatever and they got in a fight and both flashed back to the future.

It was called Soldier. It wasn't exactly like Terminator, but James Cameraman paid Harlan Ellison (the guy who wrote 'Soldier' some money, so you know it inspired it at least.)

The funniest parts were the costumes, how they were dressed up like Knights of the Round In Shining Armor! All in all it was pretty cool to see this old show that inspired Terminator though. I'm psyched for the new one!

Day 84: Rinsed out this thing of cheddar dip with hot water

So I can recycle it! That stuff is a rip off, its like over $3 for some melted cheesestuff. And I hate those jars, cause they make it wide mouth so you think you can dip chips straight into it, but if you try that you'll get cheese all over the side of your hand and knuckles.

Day 83: Went to Alpha Ridge Park

It's a park, whaddya want. I sat there in a camp chair and wiped my nose on my gloves and watched a baseball game for three hours, Whaddya want?

Day 82: Visited Carl's Little House

This could almost be a dining blog, cause lots of 'em are about what and where I ate junky food.

I had to park about a million miles away from Cangden Yards 'cause it was opening day and all the fairweather fans and Yankee fans were there taking all the parking. I could have parked in one garage but it was asking for $30 and I said "FUCK th*t."

The good part about the spot I found was that it was totally FREE, there were still plenty of spaces near it, and NO parking tickets. Also it was near this Carl's Little House place, which I found to be a real gem when we stopped in after the game.

There were a few alchys in there, but they seemed to be the harmless, 'let me tell you about my glory days and the good old days of Baltimore' types, not the 'let me stab you with a knife' types.

When my party walked in there a few other young gentrified Oriole fans walked in there and one of them bought a round of shots, including three for me and my two brothers. Problem was he couldn't pay up. He wanted to pay credit and they didn't accept. He started pitching a fit about how they didn't accept credit and walked around the corner to find an ATM. No one smacked a pool cue over the nape of his neck so it seemed like a pretty easygoing place. Eventually his buddy had to pay for his shots and I had to pay for our three shots.

The place had an old timey jute box (not Internet) and a pool table. (I won my game with Philip with a sick square shot.)

They also had good food for very good prices. I had a bacon cheeseburger which was a special with fries for like $5.75 or something. I also ordered Pizza Fries to share ($2.75 for a generous portion.) Speaking of To Share, Mark ToShare-Uh sucked. And some people are like: 'you shouldn't boo him, you would have taken the extra $20 million too!' Yeah, but if I took the xtra $20 million I would have realized the price was getting my ass booed off in Baltimore.

Beers were $1.75 each or something? Or maybe $2.50? I forget. They said their cheese steaks were the real winner, and we didn't even order those. I may have to go back to try one at my next O's game. All in all it was a good 'ol O's bar.

Day 81: Got two for five turkey subs from Royal Farms

Their turkey subs were really skinny for some reason, almost like a hot dog. Royal Farms! Royal Farms!

Day 80: Went to the new Nats stadium

They had a place called the Red Porch where you could drink a Home Run Draught.

Day 79: Lifted a phone booth from a 7-11

It looks kind of like this but it said 7-11 on it.

It's not stealing if it was next to the dumpster. That's just called taking trash. We were still sneaky about it though. Now it's just sitting out back. Not sure what to do with it. (PICTURE COMING!!!)

Day 78: Watched guys burgle one of those clothes donation dumpsters

You know those things that look like dumpsters that say 'World Peace Donations' or 'Donate your clothes here for worlds of peace for the needy'?

I saw three guys standing around one with a laundry basket and the laundry basket was full of clothes. I know what you're thinking: 'oh he's racist (even though I never even said they were chinese), maybe they were just donating clothes to it, or maybe they worked for 'worlds for needy donations peace'.

Well, here's how I knew they were burgling it: it was 12:30 a.m., and one of the guys was halfway in it with his legs dangling out of the slot where you dump the shit in.

OK, if you were really a devils advocate you could say: 'maybe they went there to donate, and he actually donated his car keys or something that he didn't mean to donate and he was just getting it back.'

Oh come on...

Day 77: Visited with these guys